Goodbye, Nanay

Today, at exactly 8:15 pm in my watch, Nanay died of organ failure in the hospital where she stayed for about a month. She just turned 85 yesterday, February 2.

To me, it was a beautiful and peaceful death. She was surrounded by her children and grandchildren. Those who were working and studying abroad, talked to her over the phone to assure her of their love and that it was okay for her to finally rest and have peace. I was rubbing her arm to let her feel our presence. My face was just inches from hers so she could easily see me. Seconds before she finally rested, she raised her hand to touch me. Inspite of prior delirium, now she looked at me with focus and full consciousness, as if to say her final goodbye. I told her to just sleep and rest. And she closed her eyes. And rested without pain.

How I wished that when my time comes I would be in the same situation – with my children and apos and loved ones around and near me. Not the kasambahays or strangers in the hospital. As I’ve always said, if I have a choice, I prefer my kids not to work and live abroad. Just like I was happy today I was not living abroad. I was beside Nanay when she breathed her last. And I was there to sign the papers to forego more tubes and machines which would prolong Nanay’s agony. And to remind the doctors to spare Nanay more injections and hospital pains. Because even without pulse and heart beats registering in the machine, Nanay was weakly trying to take out her oxygen mask possibly to ward off the discomfort.

I was also glad I was near her to tell her all the words she would have wished to hear from me. I sometimes read messages like ‘Tell your loved ones how much you love them before it is too late.’ Today, the message just rang true. And I told Nanay I loved her and I thanked her for all the joys, the memories, the life and the things she had done to me and to all of her children and apos. And I whispered to her that, with all my failings, I wished I had done all that she had hoped me to do for her; and I had achieved all that she had wished me to be. I was sure she heard me before she closed her eyes for the last time.

Goodbye Nanay.